


Remember Me, Love (When I'm Reborn)

by Mochapup12



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Depression, M/M, also magnus is the world's best friend, avi is just very sad but he's healing, but i promise it's a happy ending, johavi is real and i would die for them both, references to alcoholism, this is like 10k words of pain and im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-18 21:31:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16127144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mochapup12/pseuds/Mochapup12
Summary: Johann -I'm sorry if I scared you. You know I don't expect an answer. It's alright if you don't have one - no pressure here, I just wanted to be sure that you knew. But I meant what I said.I love you.- AviWords are often left unsaid when one assumes that they'll have time to say them later.  That time is not always a guarantee, and when things are left unfinished it becomes a wound that can't heal.  Avi learns this the hard way, but sometimes healing can come from unexpected places.  After all, death is nothing more than the greatest of new beginnings.





	Remember Me, Love (When I'm Reborn)

**Author's Note:**

> my first ever taz fic and it's the angstiest thing i've ever written, whoops  
> this was heavily inspired by a lot of different things, including hozier's new song shrike (which is also where i got the title!) so if you want this to hurt even more, i'd suggest listening to that while you read this.  
> shoutout to @tinycurlyfry for letting me yell about this fic during the writing process and generally being a wonderful friend and getting me into taz in the first place <3  
> i hope you all enjoy it!

Avi hesitated before knocking on the door of the Director’s office, newly repaired after the damage it had suffered when the Hunger attacked.  She had asked to speak to him earlier today, and the heavy, sad look in her eyes when she’d told him to come by her office later had him shifting his weight nervously from one foot to the other.  He couldn’t imagine what she wanted to discuss, but it couldn’t be good.

 

It had been a few months now.  Time enough for everyone to recover but him, it seemed.  Everyone seemed content to move on, to rebuild, but Avi felt like he was frozen in time at the exact moment when those first dark pillars had touched down on the moon base.  Or, well. That wasn’t it, exactly. He felt like he was frozen in the exact moment that Magnus had put a gentle hand on his shoulder and told him in a halting, grief-choked voice that Johann hadn’t made it.

 

It had been months, but he still felt the same raw anguish whenever he let himself think about it for too long.  So he tried not to, and drank perhaps a little too much in an effort to forget. He felt fragile, like one more blow was all it would take to shatter him completely in a way that he’d never recover from.  He wasn’t sure he was prepared to hear whatever the Director had to say.

 

Still, he couldn’t just not show up.  That was kind of low, even for him. Letting out a sigh, he knocked gently on the door and heard a voice call, “Come in!”

 

He stepped into the small room, looking around as he did so.  Everything seemed to be the way it had been before the apocalypse.  The large desk, the portrait of Lucretia hanging on the wall behind it, all of the old familiar details in place - with the exception of a small framed painting sitting on the desk.  It seemed to be one that Lucretia had done herself. It was on notebook paper, the edge of which was torn, and the paint seemed to have faded over time. Seven smiling faces stared up out of it, and he recognized the starblaster’s crew.  Their arms were slung over each other’s shoulders, faces glowing in bright afternoon sunshine. They looked… happy. A ghost of a smile passed over Avi’s face, and his heart lifted a little. They all deserved the happy endings they’d gotten.

 

He looked up at the sound of a soft sigh from Lucretia.  The look on her face surprised him. She was watching him carefully, with a deep sorrow in her expression and something like pity in her eyes.  It wasn’t that she was never compassionate; quite the opposite. She just seemed as though whatever she had to tell him was tearing her up, and he didn’t think that he’d ever seen her so hesitant.

 

“Avi,” she started.  She seemed to be trying for a normal tone, but it wasn’t quite working.  “How have you been?”

 

Avi considered her for a moment before answering.  “I mean, all things considered… I guess I could be worse.  Like, I’m gonna be honest, not great or anything, but I mean.  I’m alive.” She winced a little at his last words, and shit, this definitely had something to do with Johann.  No wonder she looked so worried. She probably knew about their history, and had definitely seen how hard he’d taken Johann’s death.

 

“Yes, well.  I’m glad you’re all right.”  Some small part of him took a bit of vindictive pleasure in the fact that this seemed as uncomfortable for her as it was for him; the rest of him just felt bad.  “So, as for why I called you here today… We finished restoration work in the voidfish’s chamber the other day. We… saved Johann’s desk for last. But, well, we couldn’t leave it forever.  I was going to have whatever materials of his we could salvage preserved and displayed as a monument to him, but… I rather think these few should belong to you.”

 

She slid a folder over the desk towards him.  When he reached out to open it, his hands were already shaking before he even made contact.

 

The paper inside was blurred and faded, wrinkled and stiff where it had clearly been water damaged.  It crackled under his fingertips, and he recognized the staff lines of sheet music through vision that had gone slightly fuzzy around the edges.  There were notes scribbled on it, in Johann’s familiar rushed, shaky hand. He had always been struck with sudden bursts of inspiration, and would spend hours hunched over his desk and writing as fast as he could to keep up with the melody inside his head.

 

Avi smoothed a hand over it gently.  The movement dislodged it from the pocket of the folder, pulling loose another scrap of paper that made his heart drop like a rock.  He picked it up, hands shaking so badly now that he barely could.

 

He stared at it, unseeing but knowing exactly what it said while a tidal wave of grief threatened to drag him under.  After a moment, Lucretia’s voice filtered back into his consciousness.

 

“Avi?” she said gently, reaching over the desk like she wanted to put her hand on his, but hesitating like she’d thought better of it.  He closed the folder and stood, taking a deep shuddering breath as he did so. All he could think was how much he needed to get out of here.

 

“Thank you, Madam Director,” he mumbled.  His voice sounded distant and strange, distorted by the sudden rushing in his ears.  She started to say something else, but he was already pulling open the door. The first tears slipped down his cheeks as his feet carried him to his quarters, and didn’t stop until long after he’d locked the door behind him.  The small, water-stained note was left lying on his desk for weeks after, even though he knew the words it said by heart.

 

 

_Johann -_

_I’m sorry if I scared you.  You know I don’t expect an answer.  It’s alright if you don’t have one - no pressure here, I just wanted to be sure that you knew.  But I meant what I said._

_I love you._

_\- Avi_

 

~

_Not long after Johann began working for the Bureau, he’d walked into the voidfish’s chamber one day to find that he wasn’t alone.  Avi was already there, hands in his pockets, watching the voidfish pulse and flash with color. Johann had paused at the door, not wanting to interrupt him.  But Avi had heard it open and turned to look at him with a smile._

 

_“Hey, don’t let me hold you up,” he said. “I was just bored, figured I’d pay a visit to our friend here.  I can go if you want…” He trailed off, looking at Johann expectantly. After a moment’s pause, Johann shook his head._

 

_“I just have to finish a piece.  Should only take a few minutes, you don’t have to leave if you don’t mind the music.”_

 

_“Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever actually heard you play,” Avi said as Johann sat down at his desk and lifted his violin from its case.  He shrugged._

 

_“Not like it really matters. Hardly anyone ever does.”_

 

_“Still.  You’ve gotta have some crazy talent to get recruited by the Bureau like that.”  Johann made a noncommittal noise and turned his attention to finishing his latest composition.  The voidfish hummed gently as he tuned his violin, and he heard Avi chuckle. “Guess he knows what’s coming.”_

 

_“Guess so.”_

 

_They both fell silent while Johann worked, plucking at strings to tweak the melody and writing down his changes.  It felt rather pointless to put so much effort into something that only a handful of people would ever hear, but he was still a musician.  He took pride in his work, even if it couldn’t get him anywhere._

 

_Once he finished, he played through the whole thing to make sure that it had come together properly.  It was a fairly simple piece, but it had turned out well enough. He closed his eyes as he played, concentrating on the progression of the notes, and when he opened them again as the last few faded out it was to see Avi staring at him, wide-eyed and awestruck._

 

_“That… was incredible.  Holy shit, dude, you’re really something else,” he said, his voice slightly hoarse with emotion.  Johann wasn’t sure what to say to that; he shrugged it off, but a spark of pride lent a straighter set to his shoulders as he approached the voidfish’s tank with the finished composition.  As always, he hesitated for a moment before releasing the piece into the water with a sigh. Seconds later, the voidfish wrapped a tentacle around it, and there was a flash as the paper disappeared.  He blinked a few times, watching the dancing of lights in the voidfish’s bell, and his shoulders slumped. Another piece that no one would get to hear._

 

_When he stepped back to look at the tank, violin still in hand, Avi must have seen the dejection on his face.  He pulled a flask from his coat and offered it to him wordlessly; Johann appreciated the gesture, but he waved him off._

 

_“No, I - I don’t drink.  Thanks, though,” he mumbled.  Avi gave him a curious look, but didn’t push.  As he placed the flask back in his pocket, he turned to face Johann._

 

_“You really are talented, you know,” he started._

 

_“I know I am.  That’s not the problem,” Johann cut him off, but he just laughed._

 

_“Good.  Someone with that kind of a gift should know how special they are.”  He paused, and Johann was surprised to feel the faintest hint of a blush rise to his cheeks.  “I was just gonna say that even if the world doesn’t get to hear you, at least those of us up here on the moon do.  Even if no one down there can remember what you play, I still think it’s worth hearing, but you spend so much time holed up in here alone that we never get the chance.  Half the Bureau doesn’t even know what you look like.” Johann raised an eyebrow at him._

 

_“What’s your point?” he asked._

 

_“Look, all I’m saying is that you don’t have to isolate yourself like this.  If nothing else, there’s plenty of people out there that are more than willing to be your friend.  I know it sucks to think that you’ll never be remembered, but it doesn’t help that you don’t have a support system.  We’re all pretty much in the same boat here, Johann. The least we can do is try to help each other out. If you ever want a willing audience, you’ve got one right here.”  He patted Johann’s shoulder and gave him a last smile as he started to walk towards the door. “Just think about it,” he said over his shoulder. Just as the door was about to close behind him, Johann spoke up._

 

_“I will.”_

  


~

 

Days passed before Avi could bring himself to look at the music again.  Every time he caught sight of the folder where it lay on his desk, all he could see was the note on top of it.  He’d left it on Johann’s desk the night before the hunger had attacked. He wondered if Johann had ever even gotten the chance to read it.

 

The only time that he left his room was when the gnawing hunger in his stomach became too much to ignore.  Even then, it took everything that he had to drag himself to the Bureau cafeteria. He was getting worse again, and he knew it; he hadn’t felt like this since the first few weeks after he’d found out.  It wasn’t like he could blame Lucretia. She’d been trying to help. And really, he was grateful. He hadn’t had anything of Johann’s to keep, to remember him by, and at least now it felt like he had a piece of him here again.  He always had put so much of his soul into his music.

 

Still, Avi felt the grief as though it were fresh, and it lay heavy over his shoulders with so much extra weight that it was hard to even stand up.  He was slipping back into it again. It wasn’t his fault, he knew that, but it was hard not to be frustrated with himself after it had felt like he was making progress.  And yet some small part of his brain argued that it was better this way; he had no right to be happy when Johann was gone. Moving on felt like a disservice to the memory of the best man he’d ever known.

 

Finally, though, his curiosity got the best of him.  He picked a day when the sadness that seemed to cling to him constantly wasn’t quite so oppressive, and slid open a window, even if he couldn’t get sunshine or a nice breeze on the moon base.  It still made him feel a little bit more human, and with a deep breath, he sat down at his desk.

 

 _In for four, hold for seven, out for eight._  It was a technique that Johann had taught him, one that helped to calm him down when things got too overwhelming.  The first time that he’d ever seen Avi get caught up in anxiety, Johann had sat him down and held his gaze while he counted out the seconds for him.  A few minutes and several long exhales later, Avi had felt infinitely better. Johann had told him to remember it for next time; it was something that he’d learned as a performer to help get rid of stage fright, but it worked pretty well for general worries too.

 

Avi closed his eyes as he breathed out, his index finger tapping out the seconds on the smooth surface of his desk.  A bit of tension fell from his shoulders, and the pressure around his heart seemed to loosen a little. He could do this.

 

He slid the note off to one side, trying not to dwell on it.  The folder was in the same place that he’d left it when he’d come back from the Director’s office; he opened it slowly and took another deep, steady breath.  One, two, three, four.

 

One.  He looked down at the sheet music in front of him.  Two. He pulled it out of the folder and spread it out on the desk.  This time, his hands didn’t shake. Three. Notes lay scattered over the lines in a seemingly random collection of tiny circles, and almost illegible words were scrawled underneath them, at the beginning of lines, on the corners, and in the margins.  Four. A gentle smile touched his face at the familiarity of it; all of Johann’s early drafts looked like this. Five. He recalled a few of the impromptu lessons Johann had given him on reading sheet music, and moved from one note to the next, letting the melody slowly take shape in his mind.  Six. He had never been able to hear what it should sound like the way Johann could, but from what he could gather, the song was bittersweet. A major key, probably, but with some unexpected deviation that lent it a sorrowful tone. Seven. He caught sight of the hastily written title at the top of the page.  All that it said was _Avi._

 

He felt like he’d been punched.  A sharp exhale left him all at once as he completely lost focus on the slow, controlled technique.  Fresh waves of grief swept over him, and he buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t do this. Here he’d been worried that Johann might have hated him at the end, might never have known how he really felt, and he’d been writing him a goddamn _song._

 

A sob tore itself free from his throat, and he collapsed inward, clutching at his chest.  Gods, why did it hurt so much? His whole body ached. It was all he could do to sit in place and let himself cry.  He was shaking again.

 

Through the blur of tears in his eyes, he managed to pick out a few of the words scrawled underneath the staff lines.

 

_words fail/and i am rendered mute/by you_

 

_i couldn’t say/what you needed me to_

 

Here the words trailed off, with only a tiny, almost hesitant note left underneath them.

 

_but i’d sing like a bird for you._

 

~

 

_“It’s really not that hard, Avi.” Johann sounded amused, which was the most emotion Avi had seen from him yet.  It almost made the fact that it was at his expense worth it._

 

_“Don’t laugh at me,” Avi whined, and Johann actually chuckled at that._

 

_“I’m not laughing at you, I promise.”  Avi just sighed, the violin feeling strange and awkward in his arms.  He hadn’t even tried to play it yet. Johann had spent the past several minutes trying to show him the proper posture, but so far it just felt like trying to hold a particularly stiff baby for the first time._

 

_“I don’t know how you do this so easily,” he muttered, readjusting his grip and fixing absolutely nothing._

 

_Johann shrugged.  “Years of practice.  No one ever wants to hear that, but it’s true.  I used to practice until my hands went numb. Which, I mean.  Maybe not the best thing to strive for, but you get the idea.”_

 

_Avi winced, then ran his fingertips experimentally over the strings - Johann hadn’t trusted him with the bow.  He plucked gently at one, and a muted twang of a note rang out. Johann raised an eyebrow at him, but there was a ghost of a smile on his face.  Emboldened, Avi played a few more notes._

 

_If there was a word for the exact opposite of a melody, he was fairly sure that that was what he’d just played.  It was dissonant and awful, but it made Johann laugh. A real laugh this time. Full and rich and deep, and Avi couldn’t even find it in himself to complain about the humiliation.  He’d gladly make a fool of himself a thousand times over if it only meant that he’d get to keep hearing Johann laugh._

 

_He stood frozen for a second, just watching.  Happiness looked good on Johann. But after a moment he shook himself out if it, aware that heat had risen to his cheeks._

 

_Shit, he was in deep._

 

_“Hey, Johann,” he blurted out as a thought occurred to him.  Johann looked up at him, still smiling, a question in his eyes.  “Carey and Killian are having a party tomorrow. Just a little thing, but it should be fun.  Do you maybe want to go with me?”_

 

_Johann looked down away from him and didn’t answer at first.  Avi was instantly painfully aware of the implication, and his first reaction was to backtrack as fast as possible.  “I-I mean, not like, with me, with me, you know? Just like, I dunno, I thought it might be fun. But you totally don’t have to, I-”_

 

_“Avi.”  Johann cut him off.  “I’ll go. I’m not really much of one for parties, but if you’ll be there…”  Was it Avi’s imagination, or was Johann blushing too? No, there was no way._

 

_“Cool,” he said.  “I guess I’ll meet you there?”  Johann nodded, and Avi realized that he was still holding the violin up to his shoulder.  He handed it back to Johann with a sheepish grin and said, “Also, I don’t think this is my calling.  I’ll leave the musical brilliance to you.” Johann took the violin back with another laugh, and again, Avi could have sworn that he was blushing._

 

_“Alright, I’ve gotta get back to work in the hangar.  I’ll see you tomorrow, Johann!” Avi said, waving as he walked away._

 

_“See you.” He heard Johann say from behind him.  If he’d turned around, he might have seen Johann watching him go with a small, fond smile still gracing his lips._

 

_~_

 

Avi was curled up in bed, looking over the sheet music with his name on it for what must have been the thousandth time, when he heard a knock at his door.  It had been so long since he’d had company that for a moment, it almost didn’t make sense. He squinted at the door, and a few seconds later the knock came again.

 

“Avi?  I know you’re in there,”  A familiar voice, muffled but still recognizable.  Magnus. “No one’s seen you in a while, I just wanted to check in, see how you’re doing.”

 

Avi seriously considered just not getting up; maybe if he waited it out, he’d go away.  But this was Magnus. If he didn’t get an answer eventually, he’d probably just break the door down.  He meant well, but Avi wasn’t in the mood to see anyone, hadn’t been for weeks.

 

He hauled himself out of bed, his feet dragging as he made his way to the door.  By the time he reached it, Magnus was knocking again. As he turned the knob and pulled it open, he caught a glimpse of shock and pity on Magnus’s face that he wasn’t quick enough to hide; Avi realized that he probably looked like a mess.  He couldn’t remember when he’d showered last. It had been at least a day since he’d felt hungry enough to go get food. Still, to Magnus’s credit, he immediately pulled out a warm smile instead.

 

“Hey, bud,” he said.  “Mind if I come in? I’ve got some stuff for you.”  Avi gave him a curious look, but stepped aside to let him in.  He was carrying a small basket under one arm. For a moment, Avi thought he was going to put it on the desk; then he looked at the sheet music and the note scattered across its surface and sucked in a sharp breath, opting to set the basket down on the floor instead.  Avi felt a spark of gratitude, but also a touch of embarrassment. He hadn’t wanted anyone to see him like this.

 

Magnus spun the desk chair around and sat down, Avi seated across from him on top of the bed.

 

“I’m not going to ask you how you’ve been, because that’s pretty obvious,” he started.  Avi managed a slight smile in response. “I just figured you’d been stuck in here alone for long enough.  I know it feels easier, but trust me, it’s just gonna make everything harder in the long run.”

 

Avi tilted his head, regarding Magnus with confusion.  “And how do you know that?” His voice was rough and raspy with disuse, and Magnus silently handed him a glass bottle filled with water that had been tucked into the side of the basket.  He took it gratefully while Magnus sighed, not meeting his eyes.

 

“Look, I’m not not gonna pretend that I know exactly what you’re going through.  Everyone reacts to this kind of shit differently, but I’ve been in the same place you’re in right now.”

 

Avi didn’t even try to beat around the bush.  “Who?” he asked, setting the water down on his bedside table.  Magnus fiddled with the edge of his sleeve before answering.

 

“My wife.  Julia. We were only married for three months, but she was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I thought that I’d have her forever, but…” he trailed off and cleared his throat before continuing. “One day when I came home from a trip, there’d been… some kind of attack.”  His brow furrowed for a moment, and he blinked. “Weird. I feel like I should know exactly what happened, but I don’t. Either way, the town that we lived in had been almost completely destroyed.  By the time I made it back to our old house, there was nothing left but ash.”

 

There was a moment of tense silence as Avi processed all of that.  He hadn’t figured that Magnus of all people would be the best person to go to about something like this.  He was a great guy, sure, but he always seemed so… happy. Like he had the whole world laid out in front of him and all the time in it to explore.

 

“I’m… sorry.  I didn’t know,” Avi said.  Magnus shrugged.

 

“It’s fine, not many people do.  It’s not, like, a secret or anything, just not something I talk about often.  For obvious reasons,” he said, chuckling a little as he swiped at the corner of one of his eyes.  Neither of them spoke for a second, and Avi found himself hesitating to ask a question.

 

“Is… does it ever get better?” he finally managed, trying to ignore the lump in his throat.  “Does it ever stop hurting so much?” His voice broke a little on the last word, and he reached for the water again in an effort to play it off and hide the way his hands trembled.  Magnus sighed.

 

“I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you that one day it won’t hurt anymore,” he said hesitantly.  “But with time, it does get a little better. It never goes away, but you’ll realize eventually that you don’t think about it every second of every day now.  That it’s more of a dull ache than anything these days. And that doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person, not at all. Just that you’re healing. And you’ll realize that that’s okay, too.  You don’t have to spend the rest of your life drowning in misery to be true to their memory or whatever. I spent the first couple of months after Julia died the same way you are now, but I knew that she’d want me to move on, make something out of myself and my life.  That’s what you’ve gotta remember. What they’d want for you.”

 

Avi didn’t realize that he was crying again until he felt a tear trace a path down his cheek and drip off his chin.  He pulled the blanket on his bed more tightly around himself, pressing his face into it.

 

“I just - I don’t want to forget him, Mags.  He was so, so important to me. I don’t even know if he knew how important.  I can’t, I just can’t let him go like that…” He heard Magnus sigh again and stand up from the chair, and the next thing he knew, warm arms were wrapping around him and holding him tight.  He let himself slump against Magnus’s shoulder, shuddering as he tried to hold back his sobs.

 

“And you won’t.  I promise. I think about Julia every day.  But the thought of her comforts me now. I know that she’s happy and safe in the astral plane, and that she’d probably kick my ass if she knew that I was just letting myself wallow in grief.”  Avi let out a choked, watery laugh at that. “I still miss her. I miss her every day, but I think about all the good times we had, not what else we could’ve had if she were still here. That’s how I keep moving.  She was everything to me, Avi, and even now she’s the reason I get up every morning and do what I do. I like to think she’d be proud of me.”

 

They stayed like that for a while, Magnus just holding him and letting him cry.  It was nice, Avi thought absently, to have someone here that understood. That wasn’t just looking at him sadly or trying to tell him what he should be doing differently.  Maybe he was glad that Magnus had come after all.

 

Eventually, he pushed himself up, wiping at his eyes and mumbling a soft apology under his breath.  Magnus patted his shoulder.

 

“Nothing to apologize for, my man.  Sometimes you just need to cry it out.  There’s no shame in that,” he said. He stood up and went to retrieve the basket that he’d brought, and when he sat back down next to him on the bed, he had pulled out a small wrapped bundle.  He offered it to Avi wordlessly, and he unwrapped it to find a turkey sandwich - the kind that they always served in the cafeteria. Smiling a little, he took a bite and was surprised to find how hungry he was.

 

There was one last bundle wrapped in cloth at the bottom of the basket.  While Avi ate, Magnus lifted it out and set the basket back down on the floor.  He unwrapped it carefully, and Avi couldn’t help but gasp.

 

Inside was a perfectly carved miniature replica of a violin.  It was small enough that Magnus had strung it onto a cord to be worn as a necklace.  The wood was smooth and polished, and he knew exactly what it was.

 

“I - that’s rosewood.  Did you…?” He couldn’t even finish the question.  Magnus pressed it into his hand, closing his fingers around it.

 

“I went back after everything, to, um.  To help them get the body. I think he had a few different violins, but the rosewood one was always his favorite.  It was all torn up and had gotten wet when I broke the tank, and I figured it probably couldn’t be saved. So I kept it, hoping I could make something out of it.  I didn’t know what to make until I heard from Carey a few days ago that no one had seen you leave your room for weeks.”

 

Avi stared down at the tiny violin, trying to force himself not to cry again.  Setting the rest of his sandwich aside, he looped it carefully around his neck and clasped it in place so that it hung down against his chest.  He closed a hand carefully around it and took a deep breath; he could almost imagine the familiar smell of the rosin that Johann had used. Closing his eyes, he remembered the smooth sound of the violin and could almost picture the edge of a rare smile and a distant spark of joy in dark eyes.  The rosewood had always been his favorite.

 

“I love it,” he said honestly.  For the first time in weeks, his heart felt lighter, even if the thought of Johann still hurt.  Magnus smiled at him.

 

“Good.  I wanted you to have something of his.  I think… I think we all knew that there was something going on with you two, but I wasn’t sure until I had to be the one to tell you.  I’m sorry for that, Avi, I really am. You didn’t deserve to find out like that after everything that we’d already been through.”

 

Avi shrugged a little.  “Wasn’t your fault. Honestly, I’m glad you told me.  If I’d had to find out from anyone else…” he trailed off, and Magnus nodded in understanding.

 

“He was a good man, Avi.  The best. I’m glad that he had you, even if it was only for a little while,” he said.  Avi felt his heart clench at the sentiment, but he smiled a little. “Why don’t you tell me how it happened?  Focus on the happy memories, not the sad ones.”

 

Avi toyed with his new necklace, considering how to respond.  He’d never really told the story to anyone before. But maybe Magnus was right.

 

“Well, I mean, I don’t know if I’d say that I ever really ‘had’ him - we never really got to, like, talk things out.  But I guess for me it started a few months after he was first recruited,” he said. “I’d met him once or twice, but never for long.  Then one day I was down visiting the voidfish, and he came in and finished up a song for it. It was the first time I heard him play, and I think might’ve fallen in love a little bit then and there.”  Magnus chuckled at that, and Avi shook his head with a fond grin at the memory.

 

He continued to talk, spilling out their whole story in a rush like someone had opened a floodgate for it.  The whole time, Magnus just listened. He didn’t interrupt, didn’t pry for more information than Avi was willing to give.

 

Halfway through, Avi realized that he was happy.

 

~

 

_It was the middle of the night, and Johann was sitting in the hangar bay with a somewhat intoxicated Avi.  They’d started to make something of a habit of meeting here. Whether it was Johann visiting Avi in the middle of one of his shifts or the two of them meeting to sit and watch the planet move by far below them, it had become a routine.  They’d had a great many conversations here, sitting on the floor of the hangar, and Johann thought that he knew Avi better now than he knew any other person in the world._

 

_It wasn’t often that he saw Avi this drunk, however.  Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t a common occurrence.  Sure, Avi drank, but not usually enough to be anything more than tipsy.  But here he was, his arm draped loosely around Johann’s shoulders and his flask in hand, leaning his whole weight against Johann.  He could smell the brandy as Avi hummed an off-key version of one of his latest pieces._

 

_Ignoring the way that the warmth of being pressed up next to him made his cheeks flush, Johann made a grab for the flask._

 

_“I think you’ve had enough for tonight,” he said, a touch of amusement to his tone.  Avi lifted it clumsily out of his reach with a pitiful whine, and Johann sighed. “You know you’ll regret it in the morning if you keep going.”_

 

_Avi shrugged, an impressive feat considering the way he was practically laying on Johann.  “I’ll be fine,” he mumbled, just a hint of a slur to his words. “Don’t need a babysitter.”  Johann rolled his eyes._

 

_“Suit yourself, then.  Just don’t come crying to me when you wake up hungover tomorrow.”  Avi made a vague, noncommittal noise and pressed his face into the side of Johann’s neck.  Johann could feel himself blushing, and cursed the way his heart picked up at the feeling._

 

_Avi started to hum Johann’s latest song under his breath again, and this time Johann indulged him.  He hummed along, picking up the harmony and pretending that he couldn’t feel Avi smile against his skin.  They stayed that way for what felt like hours. When the song ended, they both just sat in silence, enjoying each other’s presence._

 

_Finally, Avi lifted his head a little.  “Hey, Johann. Wanna tell you something.” he said, struggling to focus on Johann’s face.  He raised an eyebrow at Avi, who started to speak only to dissolve into giggles._

 

_He managed to collect himself a few minutes later, though he was still smiling as he turned to look at Johann, who could feel his heart stutter sharply when he realized how close Avi’s face was to his._

 

_“Johannnn,” Avi whined, and Johann cleared his throat, trying not to stumble over his words.  He hadn’t even been the one drinking._

 

_“Avi, I think it’s time we get you home.”_

 

_Avi protested, pulling away from him slightly.  “No, no, not yet. I still gotta tell you something.”_

 

_“Okay…”  Johann said cautiously._

 

_All of a sudden, Avi’s face was right next to his.  Johann blinked, breath catching in his throat, but couldn’t seem to back away.  The smell of alcohol on Avi’s breath was all that was keeping him grounded._

 

_“You’re… so pretty, Johann.  So pretty. Your hair is so nice, and your little freckles…” Avi poked at the freckles in question where they dotted Johann’s cheeks, apparently not noticing the heat underneath them as Johann sat frozen in place.  He let out a shaky breath, trying and failing to gather himself together enough to pull away. Avi was so close that he could feel the warmth off of his skin against his face; he always gave off so much heat. A human furnace, he liked to joke._

 

_He didn’t realize that Avi had fallen silent until all he could hear was his quiet breathing almost against his ear.  He started to say something, but was interrupted by the soft press of lips against his cheek. Shock flashed through his mind, and he froze as Avi pulled away.  If he’d been blushing before, his cheeks were on fire now._

 

_He finally turned to look at Avi, and was surprised at how serious he looked.  He was definitely still drunk, but his brown eyes searched Johann’s face like he’d never see enough of it.  Like he was something precious._

 

_“Pretty…” he breathed, brushing a stray strand of hair behind Johann’s ear and letting the touch linger, brushing his fingers down over his cheek._

 

_Johann could have died happy then and there, but he could still smell the alcohol on Avi’s breath, and a distant alarm bell went off in the back of his mind.  It took every bit of his willpower to pull back and catch Avi’s hand in his own, lowering it slowly._

 

_“Avi… You’re really drunk.  We’ve gotta get you back,” he mumbled, refusing to meet Avi’s gaze.  The few other times he’d seen him like this, he’d been just as touchy.  He was probably reading the whole situation wrong anyway. Avi probably wouldn’t even remember this in the morning, and he’d be back to treating him like a casual friend.  Which was fine. He liked being Avi’s friend. It made him feel important, needed, liked. But still…_

 

_Johann stood up, pulling a still protesting Avi to his feet as well.  They started off across the hangar as Johann managed to take the flask of brandy from him and nudge him along.  And if he let him continue to lean against his shoulder the whole way back to his room, well. He was just helping out his friend._

 

~

 

Avi hesitated before knocking on the door in front of him, thinking back to the moment outside of the Director’s office a few weeks before.  Something that Magnus had said, about knowing that Julia was safe and happy in the astral plane, had given him an idea. It probably wasn’t a good one, and it probably wouldn’t even work.  But he needed to do something.

 

Brushing his hand lightly over the tiny violin hanging around his neck, he steeled himself and rapped his knuckles against the red-painted wood.  Just seconds later, a rather grumpy-looking Taako pulled it open. The sour expression slid off his face as soon as he saw who it was, however, and a small smile replaced it; the most genuine one you could get from him.

 

“Avi!” he said, opening the door wider and ushering him in.  “Shit, it’s been ages, my dude. How’ve you been?”

 

Avi shrugged a little, hoping that his smile was convincing.

 

“I’ve been better, I guess,” he started.  Taako raised an eyebrow, then caught sight of the necklace.  Something seemed to click into place, and he nodded.

 

“Gotcha.  You want anything? Water? Tea? Wine?”

 

“Ah, thank you, but no.  I actually… It’s really good to see you, Taako, I was just kind of hoping I could talk to Kravitz for a minute?  I have something I want to ask him.” His fingertips brushed the edge of the envelope in his pocket. Something softened in Taako’s expression, and there was none of his usual abrasiveness in his voice when he answered.  He knew what it was like to lose people.

 

“Sure thing.  C’mon in, I’ll go get him for you,” he said, motioning towards a spacious living area and heading for the stairs.

 

Avi sat down nervously on one of the leather couches, surveying his surroundings.  This was actually the first time he’d been in their new place. Taako had bought it a month or so before, a massive mansion that probably could have housed half the Bureau, but it looked remarkably well put together already.  As far as Avi knew, only Taako and Kravitz lived here, along with Ren, Taako’s new business partner.

 

He was proven wrong a few moments later by a young voice.

 

“Hello, sir!”  He looked towards the entrance of the room to find a beaming Angus Mcdonald looking at him.  He smiled back; Angus had always been a sweet kid on the moon base. Avi had actually taught him to play a few card games, which he’d become way too good at way too quickly.

 

“Hey Angus.  You live here?” he asked, hugging him when he came over to sit down beside him.

 

Angus shrugged.  “Sort of. Mister Taako keeps saying that I don’t, but he helped me paint the room that I’m staying in.  He also got me a bunch of new clothes, which was nice of him. I’m at least going to be here until school starts up in month or so.”  Avi nodded; Taako would never admit it, but he had a serious soft spot for this kid.

 

Almost as if he’d summoned him with a thought, Taako walked down the stairs a moment later, followed closely by Kravitz.  If Avi was being totally honest, Kravitz kind of gave him the creeps. But he was always perfectly kind, and at the moment he looked completely human.  He smiled at Avi and nodded his head in greeting.

 

Taako put his hands on his hips and stared at Angus.

 

“C’mon, little man, let’s go see you practice those cantrips again,” he said, turning to plant a gentle peck on Kravitz’s lips before motioning towards the hallway.

 

“Gross, sir,” Angus said, deadpan.  Avi couldn’t help but laugh. Taako smacked the back of his head playfully; there was no force behind it, but he managed to knock Angus’s hat forward so that it fell over his eyes.  Kravitz chuckled as the two of them left, then turned to face Avi. Judging by the look in his eyes, he already knew why he was here.

 

“Hello, Avi,” he said quietly.  “What can I help you with?”

 

Avi sighed.  “Look, I know this is probably a really bad idea.  But it’s the only one I could think of. It’s a lot to ask, I know, but I’m not looking for a mail service.  Just a one-time delivery.” He pulled the letter out his pocket and handed it to Kravitz, who took it carefully and studied the name on the front.

 

“Avi…” he started, a hint of sad resignation in his voice.  Avi shook his head.

 

“Kravitz.  Please. I love him, more than I ever thought I could.  I know it’s a lot to ask, I know you’d probably be breaking a whole bunch of rules, but please.  There are… There’s a lot that we never got the chance to talk about. I just need him to know, Kravitz.  Please. I - I should’ve been there for him, but I wasn’t. The least I can do is give him this, clear some things up, give us both closure.  I’m not even looking for a response, I know that’s probably even more illegal than this. Just, please. The next time you see Johann, give him this.”

 

Kravitz sighed, running a hand through his hair.  He paused for a moment like he was trying to figure out the best way to tell him no.  Then a distant crash echoed through the house, and Taako cheered.

 

“That’s it, Agnes!”  Kravitz looked in the direction of the noise with a rueful smile, then met Avi’s eyes with a look of understanding so deep it almost knocked him off his feet.

 

“I’ll see what I can do,” he said, and Avi nearly collapsed with relief.  “Just understand that this is something I can only do once, and I likely won’t be able to bring you a response.  Communication between the living and the dead isn’t meant to be, Avi. All it does is make the divide between them seem that much wider.”

 

Avi nodded, taking a deep breath.  “Thank you. Thank you so much,” he said, forcing his voice not to waver.  Kravitz put a steady hand on his shoulder, and Avi shot him a grateful smile.

 

“If you don’t have anywhere to be, why don’t you stay for dinner?” Kravitz asked.  “I believe that Taako is cooking tonight. He’s finally getting back into the habit, and I think that it could help him to have a friend that trusts him here.”

 

After a moment’s pause, Avi nodded.

 

“Yeah.  I’d like that.”

 

~

 

_Johann was already in the voidfish’s chamber when Avi stepped inside, letting the door swing shut behind him.  For once, Johann didn’t look up to greet him._

 

_“Hey, Johann,” he said tentatively.  He got a glance at best; Johann didn’t even stop writing._

 

_“Oh. Hey,” he mumbled.  With a sigh, Avi walked over to stand next to his desk._

 

_“What’s up with you lately?” he asked, not unkindly.  “You’ve been avoiding me for weeks. I - did I do something?  Just talk to me, Johann.”_

 

_Johann shoved his chair back from his desk and stood up, finally looking at him._

 

_“I’m - no, okay, you didn’t do anything.  This is all on me, as usual, but I just -”  He sighed, raking his fingers through his hair and tossing his hat down onto his desk._

 

_“Whoa, hey.  Johann, talk to me,” he said.  He stepped forward a little, hands up in a placating gesture.  Johann pinched the bridge of his nose, seeming to try to collect himself before responding._

 

_“Avi, how much do you remember of that night a few weeks ago when you drank too much in the hangar bay with me?” he asked.  Of all the things Avi had been expecting him to say, that was not high on the list. But he stopped for a moment, thinking back._

 

_“I… I remember sitting there with you, talking about what we thought we’d do if the Bureau was dissolved because I’d just gotten back with the reclaimers after retrieving that cup.  It was a weird fucking mission, so I was maybe a little more heavy-handed with the alcohol than I should have been…” He trailed off, trying to remember more. “I’m… it’s all kind of fuzzy after a while.  I’m sorry, Johann. What happened?”_

 

_“That’s what I figured,” Johann mumbled.  “You… ugh, nevermind, it doesn’t matter.”_

 

_Avi caught his shoulder as he turned to walk away.  “Johann, please. Just talk to me, you’re starting to worry me.”_

 

_Johann spun around to face him again, cheeks burning._

 

_“You - you told me I was pretty,” he said, and the strange urgency in his tone died halfway through.  His shoulders slumped, and he kept his eyes glued to the floor as he continued. “You, um, kissed my cheek, and it kind of looked like you were maybe going to kiss me for real.  A-and I wouldn’t have let you anyway, because you were drunk, but for a minute there… I really, really wanted you to. And then the next day and every day since, you’ve just treated me the same as always.  Which, like. I wasn’t expecting anything different, but I guess I was hoping. Like I said, it’s not even a huge deal, I just let myself get all caught up in it…” his words trailed off into a mumble, and Avi stared at him with wide eyes._

 

_Finally, though, the weight of what Johann was saying sank in.  He’d actually wanted Avi to kiss him. He liked him. This changed… everything._

 

_All he could think, staring at Johann as he refused to meet his eyes, was that pretty was inadequate.  Johann was stunning. More than that, he was the most incredible person that Avi had ever met. Beautiful, smart, and so, so wildly talented.  Avi was struck, suddenly, by just how much Johann meant to him; he felt like all of the breath had been knocked from his lungs by a swell of affection._

 

_Johann looked up like he was expecting Avi to say something, but any words he might have had died on the tip of his tongue.  Instead, it was all he could do to move forward, take Johann’s chin in his hand, and kiss him._

 

_Johann made a faint noise of surprise against his lips, but he didn’t pull away.  Avi closed his eyes and slid a hand up to cup Johann’s cheek. When they broke apart, they just stood with their foreheads pressed together for seconds that seemed to stretch into an eternity.   Avi couldn’t stop smiling. He felt giddy, happier than he’d been in a long time._

 

_“I love you,” he blurted out, unable to stop himself.  Johann blinked in surprise. He seemed taken aback, not upset, but suddenly he couldn’t quite seem to meet Avi’s eyes._

 

_“I…” he trailed off, seemingly unsure.  Avi backed away, suddenly worried. Had he moved too quickly?  Had he somehow read this wrong?_

 

_“I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” he said, and Johann didn’t answer._

 

_Avi was about to continue, to try for a better apology, when the door to the voidfish’s chamber slammed open.  They sprang apart, and a guard that Avi recognized as a newer recruit stumbled in. If she noticed anything strange about the scene, she didn’t react._

 

_“Avi!  The Director needs to see you in the hangar immediately.  I think something’s wrong,” she said between heavy breaths.  She must have run all the way there. The last of the joyful haze in his mind disappeared, tempered by worry._

 

_“Tell her I’ll be right there,” he said.  The guard nodded and scampered out of the room, and he turned back to Johann, torn.  “I - um. We’ll talk later, okay?” Johann nodded slowly, still seeming thrown off. Avi hesitated, then ducked in to kiss his cheek before running for the door._

 

_He turned to look back one last time before he left, and saw Johann standing in the middle of the room, staring into space and holding a hand up to his cheek._

 

~

 

It had been a few weeks since Avi had given Kravitz the letter for Johann, and the grief had finally begun to loosen its grip on him.  He’d started to leave his room more often. His name had been added to the roster of volunteers from the Bureau assisting with the cleanup that still needed to be done planetside.  He’d even spent time with Carey and Killian; they’d been more than understanding. After all, he wasn’t the only one who had lost Johann. That, and they were still working through the death of NO-3113 during the final battle.  Maybe it had been a long time coming, but it was easy to forget that she’d been living on borrowed time. They had found a quiet corner of the moon base campus and watched the sunset together, drinking and talking and remembering everyone that had been lost.  He’d realized that night that there was more than one way to mourn, and it didn’t need to tear you apart inside. Sometimes it was just the remembering that mattered.

 

At some point, Killian had noticed his violin necklace and excitedly held up her hand; a small, intricately carved wooden ring rested on her finger.  Avi was almost surprised by the genuine rush of happiness he felt for them, and the sincerity with which he congratulated them. After everything, the world needed something good.

 

They had made more than one toast to Magnus that night.

 

As much as Avi wished that he could get a response from Johann, he knew that it wasn’t likely.  He’d started to come to terms with it. Mostly, he’d just wanted to make sure that Johann knew, in no uncertain terms, how he felt.  He told himself that at this point, it didn’t really matter whether those feelings were returned or not. It wasn’t like he could do anything about it if they were.  He’d poured his heart out in that letter, told him everything and more, but he’d made sure to apologize as well. He’d acted on impulse, and he didn’t blame Johann for reacting the way that he had.  It wasn’t his fault if he didn’t love Avi the way Avi loved him.

 

He’d made peace with the idea that he might never know, or at least not until it was his turn to go to the astral plane.  Which made it all the more surprising when he answered a knock at his door one day and found himself face-to-face with Kravitz.

 

“Oh, um.  Hello,” Avi said, uncertainty coloring his voice.  Kravitz gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

“Hello, Avi.  I was hoping that I could speak with you,” he said.  Avi nodded slowly and stepped aside to let him in, a bit of worry whispering to life at the back of his mind.

 

Kravitz stayed standing.  He seemed somewhat uncomfortable, out of place in the middle of Avi’s room.  As soon as Avi shut the door behind him, he sighed and some of the tension left his face.

 

“So… what did you need?” Avi asked hesitantly.  Kravitz studied him for a moment, and Avi felt like those unsettling red eyes had him pinned in place.  Then he reached into the pocket of his coat - no reaper cloak today, it seemed - and withdrew a slightly crumpled envelope.

 

“I know I told you not to expect this.  I had no plans to bring you a response; maybe a verbal one the next time you came to visit, but not a physical letter.  It breaks multiple rules, and not the ones that I normally toy with. This is not to be taken lightly. But Johann is… persuasive.  That, and when I told Taako about it, he threatened to take you into the astral plane himself if I didn’t give you this. Which would be infinitely worse.”  Avi couldn’t help but laugh at that; the exasperated fondness in Kravitz’s tone was certainly a common feeling when it came to Taako. Then the full weight of what Kravitz was saying hit him, and everything outside of the letter in his hands seemed to fall away.

 

Distantly, through a sudden ringing in his ears, he heard himself say, “Is… that’s… it’s from him?”  Kravitz just nodded, holding it out to him. Scrawled on the front in handwriting so familiar that even now it made the corners of his eyes sting, was his name.

 

“Thank you,” he managed, unable to take his eyes off the letter like Kravitz had just given him the most precious treasure imaginable.  Kravitz nodded at him, a gentle smile on his face as he moved towards the door.

 

“Please, just don’t tell anyone about this.  I’m glad that I could help you both, but I’m risking a lot to do so,” he said.  Avi nodded, not trusting himself to speak. “Oh, and feel free to come by the house again if you’re ever in the area.  Old friends are always welcome.” With that, he was gone.

 

Avi all but collapsed onto the bed, clutching the letter like a lifeline.  He was almost afraid to open it. There were so many different ways that Johann could have responded, and he had run through just about all of them in his head at some point or another.

 

But he had to know.

 

With hands that trembled once again, he slit open the top of envelope.  It separated easily. Inside was a piece of cream-colored paper, covered with the same thin, rushed lines that Johann always wrote in.  His heart was already pounding as he unfolded it.

 

_Avi,_

_I’m sorry too. Sorry that we had to figure it out like this, sorry that I panicked at the worst possible moment. It wasn’t your fault; I was just surprised. I hadn’t really had the time to sort through everything and decide how I felt yet.  A little warning might have been nice, but I don’t blame you for anything. I hope you know that._

 

_I’m sure that you’ve seen the sheet music by now.  I never was great at talking to people; that’s one of the few upsides of being dead. Not a whole lot of company here. I am staying with someone, though, so don’t worry - Kravitz set me up with this woman named Julia. Apparently she was Magnus’s wife. She’s actually helped me a lot during all of this. Anyways, I always did better with writing things down or putting them into a song. I wish I’d gotten a chance to finish that one before you saw it, but there’s nothing for it now, I guess._

 

_You probably know by now, but I got your note. Knowing you, you were probably worried that I hadn’t. But I did, and before the Hunger attacked, I was planning to find you and talk through everything as soon as I’d finished the song. We both know how that turned out, though, so I guess I have to do that here._

 

_Avi, I love you too. I love you so much, and not telling you that in person while I still could is the biggest mistake I ever made. I’ll always regret that we never had a chance to really be together the way we both wanted, but I’ll still always treasure every moment I got to spend with you, no matter what. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, even when it was just as a friend. I need you to remember that. I love you, and maybe it’s too little too late, but I’ll never get tired of saying that. I love you, I love you, I love you._

 

_I’ll see you again someday.  As much as I miss you, please don’t make it too soon.  I know you can do a lot of good out there in the world still, and you deserve to have a full life. Just remember that I’ll be waiting for you. I love you, Avi.  Live well, and live enough for the both of us._

 

_-Johann_

 

~

 

_The end of a life is not always tragic.  There will always be those left behind, and there will always be those that mourn.  But someday they too will join the ones that they’ve loved and lost, and death is nothing more than the greatest of new beginnings.  Nothing and no one is gone forever._

 

_Somewhere, a mother is reunited with her child, decades after she saw them last.  A tearful sister hugs her brother, separated by deaths years apart. Old friends cling to one another, and it’s hours before they let go._

 

_And somewhere, deep in the astral plane, there’s a little cabin where two people live with two dogs, a cheerful fire, and the constant melody of a hand-carved violin.  A figure approaches from out of the fog that surrounds this little island of warmth and light, and the music stops suddenly when he knocks on the door. It’s thrown open moments later, and the newcomer is nearly bowled over by the force of the hug he’s given.  The dogs rush around them, barking excitedly, and a smiling woman watches from just inside the doorway. The newcomer laughs, then buries his face in the shoulder of the man from the house. They stay like that for several moments, until the man from the house lifts the other’s chin and kisses him the way that he’s wanted to for decades.  They’re smiling too much to kiss each other properly, but it doesn’t stop them from trying. Eventually, they break apart, tears in their eyes and joy in their hearts. The woman beckons them both inside, and laughter echoes into the astral plane long into the night._

 

_Somewhere, Johann and Avi find each other again. And after years of waiting, they’re able to tell each other everything that they ever wanted to say._

 

_Somewhere, finally, whispers of ‘I love you’ follow them everywhere they go._

 

_And somewhere, they both revel in the one thing that neither of them ever had._

 

_Eternity stretches out ahead of them, and they have all the time in the world._

**Author's Note:**

> the moral of the story is never let me write anything sad ever again lmao  
> i hope you enjoyed this fic, and if it made you laugh or cry or feel anything at all please let me know in a comment bc it really means the world to me to hear that people enjoy what i create. i have a new d&d/taz blog on tumblr @story-and-song; you can follow me there for lots of taz shenanigans and crying, plus any updates on future fics.  
> thanks again for reading, and have a great day!


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